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@mint3 You nailed it. There are things at play that I cannot mention here because my case is so long and so complicated but you are absolutely right. I knew there are underlying levels of anger, but the word "volcano" never came to mind. I will definitely take that into consideration. And for...

@quigonj Never looked at it that way. Thanks so much for the eye-opener!

@jtjones I do that, too. But it doesn't always have the desired effect. Anyway, I'll keep trying. Thank you.

@churchsound Good point. I have given this some more thought and I will not do that. Thank you.

@katrina2017 Wow. The wisdom on this sub never ceases to amaze me. That's a very good tip, thank you. It reminds me of that book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I didn't get the part about independence, but I'll do as you say.

@belle_me777 Oh, thank you so much, I didn't look at it that way. Thanks again. She used to shout and get physical, telling me she hates me, beating me, kicking me. It's already SO MUCH better now. She doesn't do that anymore, she just gets upset, goes to her room, still gets physical with her...

For context: single mom, 2 kids, high conflict divorce, kids don't wanna go to my ex anymore but are required to do so (court order), my 9 y.o. girl can get extremely angry for something very insignificant (e.g. when we play a game and she loses, when we go swimming and she gets wet (yes...